Loving on the Borderline -- poems


SOMETIMES

In that time between the mists and the clearing,
I remember the knowing,
The feeling
That you were coming to me.
In the midst of all the hurt and fearing and wild yearning
And not knowing anymore anything,
I felt something beyond the horizon, gleaming.
It was not a dream.
From across the earth, you came to me.

Bev Jo
1998

BORDERLINE

Sharp
Your words cut like a scythe,
Slicing right at my heart,
Your aim, as ever, so true,
As if you no longer want me alive.
Once, I never would have thought this of you
I know you will re.tract your knife this time,
Such sweetness following that strike of your blade,
But the wound’s done, plain to see.
You do not think to ask forgiveness.
You do not see me nor this mess you made.
You do not notice blood flowing with tears.
And I do not think to leave, rejecting you,
But remain for our years of love,
Yet knowing this breach of trust will come again,
And no amount of kissing can heal this pain.

Bev Jo
2010


STAY
in this place a little while longer.
Stop hurtling into space,
Rage frozen on your face.
Hold onto yourself a little bit stronger.
Don’t leave me alone in this empty space,
Replacing yourself, my love, with a stranger.

Bev Jo
2008


RUNNING WHERE?

What will happen if you stop running?
Take a breath,
Stop bombarding your senses.
Will you feel fear,
Will you feel pain,
Will you remember what was,
What is,
Who you are,
Who you were
Who I am,
Who we were together?
Will your self-imposed amnesia
Lift its veil from your mind?
Will you remember when you were my home,
when you were mine?
Will you remember once I knew who you were
Yet still loved you.

Will you remember when
you didn’t have to lie to be loved?

You can run until exhausted,
Heart pounding, eyes wild, no peace,
Remembering only the worst,
Believing your own lies.

Why don’t you remember when you ran to me instead of ranting at me,
When you wanted nothing more in this world
than to hear my voice,
Hold me in your arms,
instead of believing your lie that I am your enemy?

When you don’t remember your past,
You don’t remember who you were,
And you can’t remember who you are.

Bev Jo
2008


SHAPESHIFTER

I fell for your gentleness and kindness,
I fell for your love and compassion,
I fell for your lies.
Who I fell for and who you are has no comparison.
Where did you go? Did you ever exist? –
You, who I see in the skin of my beloved,
Wearing her hair.
Did you kill her, swallow her soul, slide into her body,
And then look out of her eyes at me?
It’s like a horror movie.

I loved her so much, would do anything for her.
But now I don’t love her enough to hate.
I fear her, pity her, am repulsed by her, horrified.
She doesn’t look so different,
But it’s like she’s gutted of a heart,
She, who used to seem to have such a heart.
Does any part of you still exist?

I never knew you would break your vow of love and friendship
Or how cruel you would grow.
I never knew how much you would pretend,
Now that we are at the end of our love
And I never know when I will see you again.
For so many years, all the tears I cried for someone not real.
Leaving is one thing, but hurting just to hurt…
You already burned my heart so deep,
Stealing from me years of sleep.
Oh I learned to swallow your rage,
Taking my medicine dutifully to heal your soul.
You could not bear hating yourself,
So you had to hate me.

You used to say, “You could do a hundred wonderful things for me,
But one wrong move cancels the rest.”
Not being perfect, I could never catch up.
No way to win, no way to heal, no way to begin again,
But was any of it real?
Are you the victim of a psychic vampire who has stolen your soul,
Or is it just the real you, shapeshifter,
Revealed at last?

I was the keeper of your memory,
And I did not ask to be.
I was the keeper of your memory,
And I did not want to be.
I was the keeper of your memory,
So you would not forget me.

Still, I can’t forget those golden moments,
When I felt loved so deeply,
Where I believe I glimpsed the real you,
Heart and soul, such passion and clarity aimed in your eyes at me.
Does the truth and all the lies
Wipe that out completely?

Bev Jo
2008